At the Beach

We are on our first family vacation! Every year we have been vacationing with our friends from seminary (this is our 5th year!), and this year is no exception. So we packed up (a much bigger task than it used to be), loaded the twins in the van, and took our first trip! The twins did amazingly well on the 4 hr. car ride (we stopped in the middle for everyone to eat). There was only one crying spell, and it lasted for about 2 minutes! What a blessing!

We have been enjoying the last few days at a beautiful beach house thanks to the generosity of some friends of our friends. It is right on the Long Island Sound, and we literally walk off the patio onto the beach!

The twins have been enjoying many firsts: The first time they put their feet in the sand (initially an accident, but they seemed into it so we let it go...until daddy wasn't paying attention to Allie and she also got her hands in the sand and then in her mouth!), the first time they played in a pool (click on the title "At The Beach" to view the video on YouTube), the first time they have worn their adorable swimsuits and sunglasses (because it's been cold and rainy every day since we got them), and (drumroll please) the first easy bedtime nights!!!

I don't know if it's all the fresh air, the exhaustion from trying to keep up with our friends 4 yr & 18 mon. olds, or that we're turning over a new leaf, but bedtime has been relatively easy every night! They have been fussing after I put them down, but for 15-20 minutes max!! Naptimes have been similarly easy! It has been really wonderful, and I'm trying to figure out how to make sure it keeps going once we get home!

Our vacation ends soon, and we will begin the sad trip home, but once we get there Aunt Loralee and soon-to-be uncle Grant are coming to visit! So more adventures await!

Bedtime Battles

So, I'm going to be real. Because I always appreciate it when moms are honest with me about difficulties they are having. It makes you feel less alone and less like a failure when someone else is having the same, or similar difficulties (really,any struggle, related or not, helps you feel better). So, although I would like to present the perfect front and make myself look like supermom, here is the reality:

They don't want to go to bed (which I know is difficult to believe since Ryan is sleeping in this picture)! We were spoiled because they were born early. We had about 3 weeks that they were home before their due date, and during those 3 weeks they slept like angels! I wondered what all of those moms who complained about babies not sleeping had done wrong. We had to WAKE THEM UP for almost all of their feedings. We had no clue what was coming. Then, around their due date, everything changed. Suddenly bedtime was a battle, and there was no problem with them waking up for a feeding (especially at night) - the problem was getting them to sleep after...

Now, Allie is a better sleeper than Ryan. Somehow, Allie got the best of Lucas and my sleep patterns. Like Lucas, she falls asleep fairly quickly. Like me, she sleeps like a rock once she is out. Poor Ryan got the worst. Like me, he has difficulty winding down and falling asleep. Like Lucas, he is a light sleeper that is easily awakened by minimal noise. And thus we have The Sleep Wars.

Every day is different. 2 days ago no one wanted to nap, but they went to bed easily at night - and then woke up every 3 hours...something they haven't done in over a month. Yesterday every nap was a battle. I spent half of the day rocking babies (often 2 at once), and we were all in tears by bedtime. Bedtime was a small battle, but once they were out they slept most of the night (only waking once around 4). Today, every nap time was a dream. They practically put themselves down for their naps. I actually was able to do the dishes and fold laundry! But bedtime was a gigantic battle. There were screams of protest reaching frequencies that almost couldn't be heard (but we're not that lucky...). And Lucas is, this very moment, going for "Bedtime Take 2" with Ryan.

"Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" has been my constant companion. I have read and re-read every chapter pertaining to our situation and stage. Unfortunately, with twins it seems to take twice as much effort, and it sounds like it will also take at least twice as much time - and mine seem to be especially sensitive to the slightest schedule change - so we'll plug along. I am determined for my children to get the quality and amount of sleep they need - hopefully they'll make it easier soon!

Then & Now

I have heard there have been requests for updates on the blog. My apologies for taking so long to finally post! When they were in the NICU, I had the time but couldn't write becaue I was too emotional. And then they came home...and I got caught up in the daily rhythm of changing diapers, feeding bottles, washing dishes, laundering laundry, soothing crying, and so on...that I didn't realize how much time has passed!

It is crazy to me how it feels like a lifetime since the twins were born (someone pointed out to me the other day that it has literally been two lifetimes since they were born!), but it somehow seems like time has stood still. I keep track of the days that pass, but it feels like there is no way so many days could have gone by. Also, even though I see the twins grow and change every day (some mornings they literally look bigger than the babies I know I put to bed the night before, and every day they do something new), but my brain has trouble believing that they are all that different from the babies we brought home from the NICU 11 weeks ago (yes...it has been that long!). Which is why I decided last week to take a picture that would help me compare then and now.

For the most part, while I know they look different, it is difficult to compare the actual change in size because many of the pictures don't have something specific that can be a benchmark for change. However, when we first brought them home from the hospital we took a picture of them in their car seats - swallowed up by the gigantic seats and snuggled in with blankets to fill in the extra space. So I decided to take a picture of them in their car seats now to see the change. As you can see, they have grown a LOT in those few weeks! And I think they have actually grown a noticeable amount in the week since the car seat picture...

I'm going to try, from now on, to update the blog more regularly. Daily might be a stretch. I think I can guarantee weekly, and hopefully surprise you with posts more often than that. But, since you followed me, and prayed for me, all those weeks in the hospital, I want you to be able to follow the blessed outcome! Plus, I love any opportunity to gush!

DE-CON-DI-TIONED!

Less than a year ago, Lucas and I walked with our friends, Chris and Kim, to Cambridge (roughly 5 miles to our destination). While the walk made us hungry and we were tired, we weren't exhausted. It was exhilirating. I'm trying to remember being able to do that once because yesterday I discovered that a few weeks of bedrest cause deconditioning pretty quickly.

I thought that I would be out of bed as much as possible except to sleep. I imagined myself walking the halls constantly. In reality, I discovered that I can only handle about 1 loop of the floor before needing a break (my legs start to feel like jell-o), and that there are definitely moments when the comfort of my bed called to me to rest and recuperate from my sudden increase of activity. It feels pathetic to come back from a walk that would not even be equivalent to a walk around the block and have sore legs, a sore back, and labored breathing. At the same time I know that the last time I walked even close to that length the babies were smaller, I weighed less, and I was conditioned to walk more. It will just take time.

I am more determined to keep up my walking and work on building up my strength (regardless of whether or not true labor begins as a result) because I'm concerned about being able to realistically care for 2 babies at my current endurance level! I'm sure I will feel better when they are no longer in my body, but I want to make sure that I have the energy to keep up with them (not that they will move a lot, but I know newborns take energy).

The good news is that, even with one day of fairly limited mobility I have felt a lot of changes. Already today my legs felt stronger and walking around the room doesn't feel as rigorous. I noticed that some places that swelled due to fluid accumulating there as a result of my bedrest, seemed to have gone down (I will have to remember to keep my feet properly elevated though because I imagine it will all settle there). And best of all, my mood has definitely improved. Just being able to walk out and refill my water pitcher whenever I need (rather than calling a nurse or asking a visitor) has given a boost in my spirits. A little bit of independence feels good!

Tomorrow we enter the 2 week window in which the doctors originally predicted (before the hospital, before the bedrest, before there were any problems) that the twins would be born. The doctors told me 36 weeks would be great, 34 weeks would be a more realistic goal, and to go beyond 36 weeks would really surprise them. Tomorrow that window begins, and it feels good (and a litte strange after the roller coaster of the last 7 weeks) to be in the original predicted window of their arrival. It is also getting more and more exciting every day to know we are getting closer to meeting these babies!

These Hospital Booties were made for Walkin'

This morning, a monumental event occurred...I was cleared to walk around as much as I want and to sit in a chair as much as I want!!! I cannot tell you how exciting this is!

After being on bedrest (the bathroom and my daily shower being the only time I was allowed up for 7 weeks, it feels so good to be able to be up and about (well, actually I got tired really quickly, but I'm resting up for my next venture out!). This morning, pretty much immediately after the doctor cleared me to be up and around, Lucas and I took a walk to the nursery to look at the babies and around my floor. It felt so strange to actually walk around the place where I had been living for 2 1/2 weeks. All I've seen is my room (with the exception of my weekly trip to get an ultrasound)! Now I've explored the rest of the floor!

The best part of this news...I've beencleared to get up and walk around with the understanding (and hope on my part) that this will get things moving. We are essentially 34 weeks now, and the babies are safe to come whenever (and I think the dr. is startingto sense the exhaustion of my discomfort). Yay!

So if you call, and I don't answer, it could be because I'm out and about enjoying a walk!!

My favorite things

After the last post I started to feel badly. I mean, I made it sound like everything is so miserable when really, up until recently I LOVED being pregnant. And even now, I'm sure that if I really look at the day there are more moments that I love than those that make me want to throw in the towel. So, I wanted to go on the record with some of my favorite things about being pregnant:

1) Until recently - getting bigger. There is just something magical about seeing a stomach grow and know that there is a baby in there. A human life is growing unseen. The ever enlargening bump is a little person (or in my case persons) that you will eventually meet. It really is incredible. Even now - when it is incredibly uncomfortable, I can't help but think about what a miracle it is that there are babies in there!

2) Weight loss commercials - I know this will probably sound crazy, but I LOVE watching the weight loss program commercials, meal program commercials, diet pill commercials and exercise shows because I not only don't need them, but cannot even try them! There is something so freeing about being the largest I have ever been in my life and still being able to watch those commercials guilt free! However, I know the time is quickly approaching when that will no longer be the case...

3) Hearing their heartbeats. I know anyone who has ever had a baby will say there is something so incredible about hearing the heartbeat. I will say there is something magical about the first time, but I love every time I hear the clip clop of their heartbeats. I am also spoiled because, in the hospital, I get to hear their heartbeats at least 3 times a day, and one of those times on the monitor (which means I hear it for 30-60 minutes!). Everyone expects it to get old, but it never does!

4) Ultrasounds. I know I've mentioned it before, but I love peeking into that private little world, seeing what I normally only feel, watching the little people I will someday meet. I actually was worried at one point that I might have the babies before our next ultrasound and miss out on seeing them and Lucas pointed out that if they were born we would actually SEE them. While that point had escaped my hormonal brain, I was still a little said that there would be no more ultrasounds...

5) This is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE - feeling them move. Perhaps it is because they are not yet big enough to deliver a really strong kick to my ribs, but I LOVE feeling them move. I love the kicks and the punches and the barrel rolls (at least that's what it feels like). I love feeling when they have the hiccups and their little reflexive movements when I know they are sleeping. I especially love when they both get going and do their "popcorn" impressions and my whole stomach moves. I will miss this the most.

So, there really are a lot of things I love, and will miss,about being pregnant. And while I definitely have my "That's it, I'm done!" moments, it is all totally worth it.

One quick update - last week the babies picked the final 4 for American Idol! They moved for the 3 who made it through AND Nick/Norman who was the last one standing who didn't make it through. This is further proof to me that they have good taste! We'll see how they do tonight!!

My Confession

When I was about 22 weeks, I read in one of my twin pregnancy books (the twin version of "What to Expect When You're Expecting") that 32-36 weeks is the point when most practitioners report that their twin moms are begging to be induced. At the time, I remember thinking, "What wimps! How could they possibly not realize how much better it is for their babies to be in longer? I will NEVER be like that." I should have known that such a prideful statement would open the door for some serious humbling...

I'm standing on the verge of 33 weeks (tomorrow!), and suddenly I have such a better understanding of where these women are coming from. My babies are both around 4 1/2 lbs. - which means I am currently carrying around 9 lbs. worth of baby. While I know that many 9+ lb. babies have been born (God bless those women!), I would also like to submit that I'm carrying double the amniotic fluid and placenta...I am ginormous. Along with the size comes various other discomforts - the main one being that it is impossible to find a position that is comfortable for more than a few minutes. I currently use 4 pillows (including my body pillow) to prop me up...and I would take more to help with various other places that always get achy. The size of my beautiful babies (which I'm very thankful for) means that my poor stomach is squished so much that heartburn (killer heartburn - unlike any heartburn I have ever experienced before or could have imagined) is a constant. There have been times when I have ordered a meal that sounds delicious, but by the time it comes an ill received sip of water gave me such bad heartburn that I couldn't eat. And when I can eat, there isn't much room in which to store the food. Another problem is that, whenever I am standing up, I feel the urge to go to the bathroom. Now most of you will say, "Of course. That is what happens when you are only allowed to get out of bed to use the bathroom." But the problem is that I feel the urge AFTER I have used the restroom. Imagine my confusion the first time I was washing my hands and suddenly felt like I needed to go again! It is now so regular that there is no confusion - only annoyance. And finally, there are the constant contractions. My poor body - which, let's face it, has been irritable for weeks or I wouldn't be here - is feeling stretched beyond it's limits and it is fighting back. All day long I have contractions - not especially painful, not productive, but annoying. The worst is that lately, the contractions somehow squish my already compacted lungs so that, during one, I feel like I can't breath. This is a fun feeling to wake up to in the middle of the night. I'm not telling you about all of these pains and annoyances to complain (well not completely), but to allow you to see the complete humbling experience. This is what I needed to endure to better understand the women I so quickly condemned.

I am convinced, however, that the list above is not completely what drivs these women to beg for their babies to be removed. After all, I think every woman who reads his who has had a baby will say,"Ah, yes. I remember. Welcome to the club." These discomforts are common in every pregnancy.

The diference is that, in most singleton pregnancies, this level of discomfort comes at the very end. The last few weeks (or even days for the lucky ones) when the promise of the end is very close. For twin mothers, however, this is all happening when there are still 3-6 weeks left to go! It is the daunting thought of having to endure weeks, and maybe even more than a month, of this (and worse, because we know the babies will continue to grow and cause more discomfort!) that I believe drives these mothers to their knees in the doctors office (not an easy task) begging for release. It is very difficult to look into the future, imagine how many more weeks it could be, and think for even a brief minute that you are up to the challenge.

I know this because every day the doctors start talking about longer timelines. 34 weeks not only seems reachable, but they are discussing the game plan at 35 & 36 weeks, and suggesting that I could even go 37! In the moment it sounds exciting. Making it that long means there is a possibility of going home again before they come, and means we could take them home with us without them even needing a NICU stay. However, at 3 am, when I've only had 2 hours of sleep and I've been up for an hour counting painful contractions (which are rare, but offer hope of progress), and they suddenly stop, and the weeks suddenly stretch out before me again, these are the moments when I cry out to God,"I really don't think I can keep doing this. Please, let them come!"

Now, I know what you will say...probably the same things that I've been saying to myself. God doesn't ask you to carry a burden you can't handle. You are strong enough to keep going. Think about the benefit of the babies. The end is near (because, in the scheme of things, in the big picture, even 4 more weeks isn't that long). But in my worst moments, those are no comfort. And I think that is good. I think I needed to be brought to that point before I could truly, humbly, say that I understand those women, and I should never have said never. 11 weeks ago I was the Pharisee saying,"Thank you God that I am not like THEM," and now I am the tax collector asking for God's mercy. It has been a good lesson.

And while I'm confessing...tomorrow is 33 weeks. I never, in my wildest hopes or imagination, thought we would get this far. It seemed so impossible when I think about how we started 6 weeks ago. I have to confess that there is apart of me that wants to say, "Look what I did! I'm so amazing! I have defied the odds and kept my babies safe and growing this long! Don't I deserve a cookie?!" But I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this miracle is the result of so many prayers. And so I will work at restraining my prideful heart, and be so thankful for all of the prayers that have done so much for my babies. Although, I have one request. Maybe now, when you pray, instead of praying them in longer maybe pray for a safe and healthy delivery whenever God wills that they come...but maybe ask if He could will it soon??