On the Road

Part of the busy-ness I mentioned before was that, on top of all of the things we had going on (including our home study update, a Fantasy Football party, a wedding - which Lucas officiated and I photographed), we were also packing for a trip to Nebraska!  Instead of giving gifts at Christmas, my family has started contributing the money we would have spent to a bank account.  We decided to have a special get-together every other year and use the money to offset the cost for the trip.  This year was our first gathering.

The twins and I had planned to stay with my cousin (who lives roughly half way) on the way home from our last trip...but that didn't work out due to my injury.  So we all stayed with them on the way out to NE this time!

Ryan and Allie playing with my cousin's youngest.

 My cousin's middle children (I somehow didn't get a picture of her oldest).

 They invited over my aunt and uncle and another cousin and his family who also live in the area. It was great to see everyone for a little bit (we got stuck in traffic, so it wasn't as much time as we had planned).

Ice cream!

 And all 7 of the younger kids had a blast playing in their big yard, climbing into the fort, riding their go cart, and swinging on the rope swing.

 They had some kittens running around.  The older kids had no problem catching kitties for the twins to pet, but Allie was desperate to catch one on her own.  She waited and watched and finally caught one!  She proudly carried it across the yard - dangling from her arms with her skirt partially wrapped around it.

We had a wonderful night, but it was time to get back on the road.  Our trip was shorter than normal however since we were meeting Uncle Matt, Papa, & Gigi in Omaha!  There are so many things we always want to do in Omaha, but it is just far enough away that the logistics keep us from going.  This time we planned to stay there overnight and have our adventure before heading to my parents.  The twins were  so excited about staying in a hotel...because of the pool.  They couldn't wait to go swimming.  They were so excited that the door to our hotel room hadn't even closed behind us before they were undressing to change into their suits!

Swimming with the noodles.

 Check out the sharks in his goggles!

 Allie spent most of her time with Uncle Matt.  Here she is choking him catching a piggy back ride across the pool.

 And here they are having fun together.  He is such a great uncle.

 One of my favorite things about the pool at this particular hotel is that half of the pool is 3 feet deep or less!  Being able to stand whenever needed gave my children a lot of confidence.  So much so that Ryan started practicing going under water.  And the next thing we knew, he was swimming! He couldn't make it too far...he did once, but he wouldn't stop to take a breath and I told him if he didn't stop to breath, he couldn't keep swimming.  After that he stopped to breath, but every time he would plant his feet and stand up.  It was still amazing to watch!

We finally talked them into getting out of the pool long enough to go out for dinner.  It turned out it was Kids' Night at the Texas Roadhouse.  What does that mean?  It means if you order one of the special kid's drinks that they get a toy.  Of course, we ordered the drink.  We were not expecting the giant drinks that emerged...

Allie didn't make it through hers, but Ryan drank every single drop.  After dinner we went back to the hotel...and once again the kids were changing into their swimsuits as quickly as possible.  We let them swim a little longer, and then we went back to the room to get them ready for bed.  As you can imagine, they were out almost as soon as we laid them down.  Which was great because they needed their energy for the next day's adventure...

One Thing

Our adoption is especially on our minds lately.  Partly because we just had our big annual sale. Partly because a big contribution to the craziness I mentioned in the previous post is that it is time to update our home study (which is significantly less involved than the last time, but still requires chasing down a lot of paperwork and a meeting with our social worker in Detroit).  Mostly because, if you remember, we are just passed a significant milestone: 12 months on the waiting list.  

When we went on the list our estimated wait time to be matched was 12 months.  We spent a lot of time dreaming about what this summer would be like, what it would feel like to finally see our children's faces and know their names, how exciting it would be to immerse ourselves in the preparations to travel to meet them and bring them home, and how it would feel to finally have our family be complete.

Of course, I mentioned in the fall that Uganda was experiencing a slow down, and that our time frame was getting longer, but things were still moving...so we didn't anticipate the stand-still that followed.  While our number has changed, it has been because of people going on hold or leaving the program rather than forever families being brought together.  For 8 months, our monthly update e-mail has told us in big, bold letters:

"In the past month we have not matched a family with a child."

I would be lying if I made it sound like it was all good, or the wait is easy, or we are waiting patiently.  Honestly, every month when we scroll down and read that line (we scroll down to check that first, before reading the rest of the e-mail) it feels like being punched in the stomach - for a moment I can't breath, and it hurts, and I feel sick.  And, even though I think every month that I am mentally prepared for no change, each month I realize how much hope I had when I recognize that it hurts more and lasts longer.  Most of the time, we try not to even think about it.  We are not close.  Things are not moving.  That is the reality.  So we will go on with life, and get excited when that reality changes.  But that always ends badly.  Multiple times we have looked at each other recently and said, "I'm done with this."  Not with adopting, but with this feeling of being stuck in limbo.  This constant distraction.  This horrible feeling of being neither here nor there.  This waiting that we suddenly cannot pretend for a minute longer is okay.  We break down and get angry, or sad, or both.   

June was especially difficult.  June, which once was the time we couldn't wait to reach because it would be so full of excitement and answers, was more like reaching an oasis in the desert to discover that it was a mirage and there is only endless sand.  Allie asks me at least weekly when her brothers or sisters will finally be here, and I tell her I don't know only to hear her sigh deeply and say, "This is taking too long," and I struggle to hold back tears as I tell her, "I know." The night before the home study update, I discovered that Ryan was so excited because he thought we would be bringing his new brothers or sisters home with us the next day.  I explained that it was only part of the process, and it would be a while before we would bring them home.  The next morning he hugged me close and whispered, "Mommy, I dreamed all night about my new brothers and sisters."  I cried as I whispered back, "Me too."  Feeling like I couldn't keep feeling this way much longer, I kept praying, "God, we need a win.  We just need one positive thing  that we can hold onto.  One thing that can boost our spirits.  One thing that can get us through this difficult season in the midst of the wait.  Please.

Just one thing."

I thought the yard sale would be that one thing.  In past years we have been blessed beyond belief by the people who stopped by, the money we raised, and the opportunity to bless others as we have been blessed.  But this sale wasn't.  In fact, it felt like another punch in an endless series that only made us feel more beaten down.  I thought my regular conversation with our social worker would be that one thing.  After a conversation with someone from our team at Lifeline I always feel uplifted, encouraged, and ready to take on the challenges of waiting.  But, perhaps because I was already so beaten down, it didn't help.  As close to hopeless as I have ever been, I threw myself into our busy summer thinking that the business would at least claim my focus enough to keep me from hoping.  Because clinging to the hope of a win was starting to hurt too much.  I let go of my prayer for just one thing.

Just getting ready to settle in for a week of much needed rest, relaxation, and time with family, I found a message in my inbox.  It was from a sweet friend from college who has been a great support by organizing fundraisers for our adoption in the past.  It seems that she and our Indy Cousin (who has been a huge support as well as partnering with my college friend for a fundraiser) have cooked up another fundraiser for our adoption.  A BIG one*.  And they just wanted to let us know.  It was so out of the blue, and so sweet, and we felt so blessed.
* If you would like to know more about the fundraiser, please, let me know by either sending me an e-mail or leaving a comment on this post.

It was the ONE THING we needed to encourage us to keep going.

But it didn't stop there.  Figuring that, due to the holiday, our agency wouldn't send our monthly update e-mail until next week, I didn't bother to check my e-mail.  Yesterday, Lucas came up to me and I could literally feel his excitement.  "They just sent the update e-mail," He said "What was our number last time?"  I responded that it was 19 (which it has been since December).  He smiled and informed me that our number has changed! It turns out the e-mail still contained those big, bold letters.  They haven't matched any families with any children.  Our movement, once again, was due to people going on hold or moving to a different program.  But in the e-mail they let us know that they are close to matching one family and are confident of another referral (i.e. match) following closely behind!  Just as it had in the 7 months previous, the update e-mail took my breath away, but this time in the best way possible.

What is our new number?

Thank you to our family and friends who have walked beside us through the funk, who have repeated to us God's promises that we cling to so desperately when we feel like nothing is happening, who have silently listened when we just needed to vent, who have held our hands (literally and figuratively) and let us know that we are not alone as we wait, who have offered encouraging words, resources, and connections, who have asked questions and listened carefully to understand more about this process that is both difficult and amazing.  And a huge thank you to everyone (especially Marcy and Lauren) who have been a party of the many little things along the way that have been the ONE thing we needed at just the right moment to keep us going.  Our family, present and future, is so blessed to be surrounded by so much love.

Where Have We Been?

Yikes!  This summer has been flying by!  So, where have we been the past few weeks?

2 weeks ago was the week of our 9th anniversary/my 30th birthday.  We had a lot of things planned.  Most of them didn't happen.  Mostly because of my stupid foot (still injured, healing slowly, slowing me down constantly), partly because I accidentally punctured one of the gel pads on my air cast...which took a lot more time and effort than I ever would have imagined to replace.  So we decided to just go with the flow - which was probably better anyway.

One of the happy surprises was a rummage sale that we stumbled upon.  They had kids toys for $1 a bag.  The twins found many treasures, including a pair of fairy wings for dress up.  Allie promptly came home and put together this fairy princess costume (my favorite part is the pink wig).

 Ryan immediately wanted to put on his dragon costume...and then they wanted to go back to story time to redo Fairy Tale Day...

 Allie misplaced a ring she had found at the rummage sale.  So, she made herself a new one...out of paper...you can't see it well, but it was pretty impressive.  My little DIYer!

 Washing their rummage sale treasures.  They had a fun activity, and their toys came out squeaky clean!

We are technically celebrating our anniversary in Nebraska later this summer, so we simply had a nice family meal and watched a movie.  For my birthday, Lucas promised to take me out for Indian food (quite possibly my favorite).  He surprised me with our good friends and Logan and Mindy meeting us there!  We had a delicious dinner and then hit up the Melting Pot for dessert.  In the meantime, the children had an absolutely magical night with their babysitters.

Ry-guy driving the boat.

Allie driving the boat.

 Honking the horn (and scaring away sharks).

The next week was mostly spent preparing for our garage sale.  But we managed to sneak in some fun.

Going to some local garage sales where Ryan scored this AMAZING Lightning McQueen pit crew costume.  He wore it every day.

Sporting our RC shirts (thanks, Nana!) before heading out for another bonfire with s'mores.

Strawberry picking with friends.  Sorry, no pictures of the picking, but here is the sink FILLED with our collection.

Our big garage sale was a bit of a disaster.  Not the setup or anything - thanks to the help of friends I was more organized than ever.  We had significantly less traffic than in past years (which meant we raised significantly less), the garage freezer was accidentally shut off during the setup, the wind kept blowing things away (which broke a baby tent I was trying to sell), and there was a sudden death of a church member which meant that Lucas was needed with the family and I suddenly had to keep the kids entertained during the sale (and that we were really sad).  On the up-side I didn't have a single unpleasant interaction (the grumpy/difficult people must have stayed home), the freezer wasn't shut off long so we only lost a teeny bit of ice cream, someone still bought the broken tent, and the kids and I enjoyed some outdoor movie time (and brought in one of the junior high girls from our church the next day).

"Helping" with the sale.

We topped of the weekend with church in the park - complete with a baptism at the lake and a picnic!  

Allie helping daddy with the Children's Message.

 Ryan playing (or sitting on the ladder and gazing out over the lake) during the service.

Completely exhausted, we are rolling into another crazy busy...don't be surprised if it is a while before I update again...

Lake Life: Our Kayak

Years ago, my dear friend invited me to go kayaking with her.  She had vast experience in a kayak.  I had none.  By the end of the afternoon, I was hooked.  But I never had much opportunity, time, or space so I never went again.  When we moved to a lake community, one of the first things I told Lucas I would like someday was a kayak.  We've looked at yard sales and on craigslist, but several years later we still hadn't found anything we liked.  I'm turning 30 this year (this week actually).  Usually, I don't want a gift, or a party, or much - a fun family adventure is the perfect celebration to me.  But this year I asked for the kayak I've wanted for so long.  Bonus: the kayak could be part of a fun family adventure!

We looked around for a while and then just decided to go and buy the kayak we found that we liked best (in our budget).  Of course, we had to go the next day and have a launch party!  After much reading online to familiarize myself with the mechanics and safety of kayaking (it HAS been 8 years after all), we headed to one of our lakeside parks.  About 30 seconds after I set out I knew that I was born to kayak.  While I still have a lot to learn I immediately felt at home in my kayak.  Gliding across the water, seeing the turtles pop their heads out around me, spotting fish swimming underneath, listening to the birds singing around me - I felt more peace and relaxation than I have in a long time. So much so that when I got back and Allie spotted a spider on my leg, I simply said, "Oh, Lucas, can you get that for me?"  (my hands were full trying to keep the kayak from slamming into Allie).  No screaming.  No panic.  That's how relaxed I felt.

Me in the kayak.

 Provided everything went well with the maiden voyage, I promised the twins they could take turns going out for rides with me.  Allie was first (I swear she thinks the kayak is hers).  She is such a little wiggle worm that I was worried about how she would do in the kayak.  I had visions of us tipping and me trying to hold onto her while turning over the kayak (even though I stayed close to the shore so we were never in water deeper than my shoulders).  The second she was in the boat she snuggled in and stayed perfectly still the rest of the time.  Every now and then she would sigh and say, "Mommy, I just LOVE kayaking!"

Snuggled in as we take off and I go over the safety rules one last time.

 Coming back to shore.

 I figured that if Allie stayed still, I wouldn't have to worry about Ryan at all.  And I didn't.  But Ryan was not as content as his sister to just sit there and go along for the ride.  He wanted to paddle and really be a part of making it go.  The second he got in, he grabbed the paddle and he helped with every single stroke the entire ride.  It was a little awkward for me, but I loved his determination to learn how to kayak.  

Ry-guy and I setting off.  Notice his hands on the paddle.

 Coming back.  Notice his cheesy, excited smile.

 Lucas was the final one to set out.  He has actually never been in a kayak before.  So I gave him all of the pointers that he would let me give (not many), and then he set out.  He took a different route than I did with the kids (he went around the island - which you can kind of see in the picture - but I took the kids to a nearby inlet so we wouldn't have to deal with the wake from the many boats on the water).  When he got back he was as hooked as I had been after my first time in a kayak.  We're both excited for future kayak excursions.

Heading out.

 Allie pulling him in when he got close enough.  She was eager to help and he was eager to rest.

While we were out, the kids built sandcastles.

 Then we had a picnic.  We were planning on going out some more post-picnic, but it turned out there was a group meeting there for a sand volleyball game, so we decided to pack up and get out of their way.  The kids played in the water a little more while Lucas packed up the van.

First they shot at each other.

 That ended in crying kiddos, so I told them they could only shoot it in the air.

One might think that would ruin the fun, but one look at Allie's face tells you otherwise!

It's probably good that we didn't go back out again in the kayak because by the time we got home and got unloaded and showered the children (they were covered in sand) and got them in bed it was WAY past bedtime.  But we were just having so much fun.  On the way home Allie said, "I miss my beach so much.  I can't wait to go back."  And Ryan is already planning our next Mommy and Ryan kayak trip!

Update

I suppose it's time for an update.  I haven't posted in a while because...well...we haven't done much.  Mostly because I'm just not up to doing much - and that probably deserves an update.
We lost our tv remote, and since it is such a pain trying to get the shows we want without it, I have been wracking my brain for other "sit-down" activities that let me rest while they are entertained - like shooting colored vinegar into a pan of baking soda!

 If you look closely, you will see Allie is covered with purple glitter...from the previous day's art activity.  It kept them still and quiet, but we are still (a week later) finding glitter in random places despite daily showers and baths...

I went back to the doctor and we confirmed once and for all that there is no fracture...which is too bad...because a fracture would heal faster than what I managed to do.  I severely sprained my ankle.  The problem with the diagnosis of a "sprain" is that it covers a wide spectrum of injury - from the (more common) minor twist and pull that heals anywhere from 48 hrs to 10 days, to the (what I did) severe sprain that stretches and tears tendons so badly that it takes 6-8 weeks and sometimes surgery to repair and recover.  Since the "quick" recovery is more common, mentally I keep thinking that I should be better soon...but I'm on the other end of the spectrum. Thankfully, I don't need surgery.  The doctor said I do have to wear my air cast for 6 more weeks (although we are down to 4 1/2 now).  In all honesty, I can't really walk at all without the support of it, so I can't imagine being without the air cast right now anyway.  The good news is that the swelling is finally starting to really go down - the best part of that being that the nerve damage I had from the swelling is also starting to heal.  I'm not having as many zaps shoot up my leg, and my foot isn't going completely numb as often when I step or move wrong.  And I'm starting to be able to handle longer periods of time walking with less pain.  Mostly, I just need to do a better job of knowing my limits.  Every time I have a good day I overdo it...and pay by having to spend the next day in pain.  I'm getting a little better at not pushing myself, but it is so hard.  And the twins keep complaining about "slow mommy."
We did our first fire of the summer.  Here are the twins helping by throwing in twigs from the yard.

 Of course, we had to roast marshmallows.  We invited our neighbors over to join us for s'mores.

We let the kids roast most of the marshmallows (with supervision).  They loved the power.

Based on the s'more recommendations of this blog post, we went with peppermint patties instead of plain old chocolate.  DELICIOUS!

The kiddos all playing train together.  They were calling out their goodbyes before the train "left."

But I have wanted to have some adventures.  Nothing where I have to walk to far (or maybe even go anywhere because - let's be honest - some days showering feels like a greater feat than I can handle).  I just don't want life to come to a screeching halt for the twins.  Poor Lucas has been doing his best to fill in on the adventure front - coming home early to take them to the park (our park has a giant, grassy hill going down, and I am in no way up to tackling that yet) or on an errand, but he is sort of in his busiest season of the summer (you know being June and all - last week he had 2 weddings in less than a week!).  So we are all trying to adjust to a slower pace, a messier house, and tamer adventures...and praying that I heal very quickly so we can get back to normal life!
Celebrating National Donut Day at Triple F!
Making their decisions.  

"It's a big decision.  Can't blow Donut Day." - Brian Regan

 My Gluten-Free donut order...otherwise known as "coffee."  Sigh.

 Enjoying the donuts - just as delicious as they imagined.

It's probably good for us all anyway.  I was hoping I would figure out a way to really slow down and enjoy my summer...I just imagined it happening differently!