A Season for Everything

I promise I have half a dozen happy, Christmasy posts in the queue, but this one isn't. I often struggle, especially with the blog, about what to share and what not. I worry about over-sharing, or about only sharing the good and giving people a perfect picture of imperfect people. I frequently tell people that it is good for us to share our brokenness, that if other people only see you as perfect you miss the opportunity for a testimony, that God's power is made perfect in our weakness and it is good to share these experiences with others, that not sharing steals from others the opportunity to minister and keeps you from feeling the full community of the body. But I'm not actually very good at that. Not at all. That said, I'm going to quickly try.

Some may know that Ryan and Allie were conceived through IVF. We had 3 embryos left over from their cycle - sitting frozen in storage. We have known that we would eventually use them. We called them our "maybe babies." In October, after much prayer, we began the process of trying with these embryos (remember the priceless FedEx package?). I will spare the full details except to say that when we arrived that day we found out that only 1 embryo was strong enough to be viable for transfer, and after 9 days with all of our hope resting on this one "maybe baby," we got the news that the test was negative.

We knew before we started that these embryos would be it. IVF is too physically, emotionally, and financially stressful, and we didn't want to continue indefinitely again. It would literally be a miracle for us to be able to conceive on our own (not that we don't believe in miracles, but I've found that often the miracles God performs are not the ones we necessarily expected), and so we feel not just the heaviness of this particular loss, but the loss of any future, biological "maybe babies."

It feels strange, in this season of celebration to be sad, but we are. I am. I know many grieve the loss of loved ones during the Christmas Season, and while our loss is less tangible - more a loss of a specific dream, a specific hope - we grieve nonetheless. While I still feel excited about celebrating Christmas (especially for the twins and with both of our families!), while I am still so thankful for our Savior who came as a baby, while I still feel great joy duringall of the holiday celebrations, there is a heaviness in my heart.

And so I share this to ask for your prayers. For peace and wisdom as we look to God for our next steps. I trust God's will for us. I know He has a plan for our future and our family. There is great comfort and joy in this knowledge. I share this for others who may have experienced similar pain - infertility and miscarriages are losses that often go unspoken. But sharing can make a world of difference to the person experiencing the loss, to the people around them trying to understand and help, and to others who have experienced a similar loss. And I share this partly because it is so much easier to type than talk, and I'm just not ready to talk. For those celebrating Christmas with us, please know that we treasure your love and support, but will not yet be ready to talk about the subject.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope." Jeremiah 29:11

"For nothing will be impossible with God...I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word."

Luke 1:37-38

Snowstorm Fun

Gigi is gone :( And we don't have any pictures from when she was here...because we all pretty much spent the day in our pj's, and we didn't want a bunch of pictures of that!

We did have a snowstorm while she was here. The twins had a blast watching daddy shovel the driveway and walk (and throw snowballs at the glass door where they were standing!). Then they got into our winter hats, and somehow ended up jumping on my bed (I let them...when I need to get some of their energy out...). They looked so cute, that I had to get some pictures.

Allie landing, Ryan getting ready for takeoff.

Allie-pop. Notice the necklace...
My little man

Throw in some rough-housing (if she wouldn't have been laughing I would have intervened, but she thought it was hysterical!)

Finally - all worn out!

Lucas thought our house looked so pretty in all the snow...

And since I promised - a few pictures of our neighbor's house (note: it wasn't until after I took the pictures that we realized they didn't have ALL their light turned on...I also didn't get any pictures of the side or back of the house - all of which are decorated).

The twins like watching all their lights come on each night!

They are still sick. Turns out this particular bug lasts 3 solid weeks. The good news is that it should end just as the Christmas festivities start up! I have some videos to share too...as soon as I remember to sit down with the video camera and get them all off!

When Mommy's Away...

I spent one afternoon (a few hours) out picking up my mom from the airport and grocery shopping. I get home to find this:

I know that I am partly to blame. I wondered how long it would be before letting them color on the walls of the shower with special crayons would make them think it was okay to color on any walls with any crayons...

I wondered how they managed to do so much coloring (in so many places) without Daddy noticing. Where was he? Apparently, standing nearby and watching. He didn't want to crush their artistic aspirations, and thought maybe it would be cool to give them a wall where they could color, paint, draw... I'm open to the idea (we have a lot of white wall space down there), but I told him there had to be a better way to encourage their art while protecting our walls (and floors)!

As I mentioned, Gigi is here! The twins are having a blast, and I am enjoying how much easier it is with an extra person around to entertain the kiddos!

Gigi had been playing with them on the floor, and got tired. She laid down and Ryan saw that as an invitation for a pony ride!

Gigi brought Allie a Mickey Mouse necklace, and she LOVES it. She has worn it whenever she is awake, and constantly looks at it, touches it, and even gives it hugs and kisses!

The twinners are still sick, but I feel like it can't be too bad because even though their cough is raspy and their nose is gooky and they are way more cranky than normal - their energy level hasn't changed one bit! Thank goodness for Gigi!

Tis the Season...

...for sickness. I had been doing a mental happy dance because the twins were 100%, completely over the previous illness, and it hadn't been so bad. They had gooky noses and a few days of low-grade fevers, but no cough - and it is the coughs (the chesty, hacky coughs) that send me into a downward spiral of fear and worry. The illness was behind us, we never needed a trip to the doctor, and surely we were guaranteed to be healthy throughout the rest of this year...right?

Then we had a terrible night where the twins refused to sleep - with no signs of illness. Lucas and I were so confused (and tired...sooooo tired). The next day Ryan had a clear runny nose. It didn't surprise me since he had been screaming most of the night. By bedtime they both had greenish goo flowing from the nose and low-grade fevers. It has morphed into a hacky cough (which means that even if they are sleeping, I am not because I am imagining all of the terrible things the cough could mean, and listening to see if I can figure out on Baby Center which cough it is, and how worried I should be), gooky noses, terrible congestion, and (last night) real fevers (low-grade never scares me, but when those 100 numbers start registering I get nervous).

Watching Daddy put up Christmas lights.

That said, the twins are still in good spirits - joyful and energetic when they are awake. They are sleeping much better than that first night (last night they both managed to get a 5 1/2 hour chunk in - granted they staggered their waking up so Mama didn't get that, but I was still relieved that they did), and I have hope that we've hit the worst and can get through this without the cough getting worse and/or a trip to the doctor. I am well-armed with humidifiers (ours actually creates a beautiful, misty fog in their room - Allie's curls are always tighter in the morning!), Vix, pans of steaming water during the day, saline nose drops, boogie wipes, 5 bottles of Tylenol, Benadryl if they really need sleep, and a Vix plug in (which I don't like to use because of the stupid night light that lights up the room, but will if they get any more congested during the night). Mama is ready for battle!
And, in more fun news, I remembered some more funny things they say:

Ryan loves "ummmmmmm." I think I must say it a lot because whenever you ask him a question he'll say "ummmmmmmmmm," before he answers! He likes to draw it out, like he's thinking really hard. I can't get enough of it and ask him as many questions as possible just to hear it!

Allie, as Nana mentioned in her comment, loves to say "Was dis?" or "Was dat?" But the last couple of days it has exploded and she walks around all day asking "Was dis? Was dis? Was dat?" I've seriously answered that question a couple hundred times in the last 2 days! I'm confident by the end of next week she will know the word for everything that exists in the known universe!

My hope is that we get all the sickness out now so that everyone is healthy for all the Christmas fun we have planned!

Favorite Phrases

I just need to jot down some of the great things the twins are saying right now before I forget! They totally crack me up :)

Allie currently likes announcing what she has (usually a ball...usually stole from her brother). We often hear "I godda bah!" as she holds it jubilantly in the air.

Ryan's favorite phrase is "Oh, wow!" He says it when he discovers something new, does something he shouldn't, and (since it IS that time of year" sees Christmas lights (sometime I'll show you a picture of our neighbor's decorations and you'll know why he says "wow!").

Since they were born, I would say to the twins "What do you see?" When they couldn't talk I told them what they saw around them. Now they frequently say "I see ________" If they don't know the word they just say "I see! I see!" and point.

Allie started saying "Cuh-peesh" (capice). I don't know where on earth she heard it, but it is her favorite word. Once or twice she uses it in a shockingly appropriate context, but most of the time she just says it while she plays :)

Ryan is big into "Hi" and "Bye, bye" But it's the way he does it. Every morning he smiles and waves "Hi, mama!" And at bedtime and naptime he says "Bye, bye, mama!" as I leave the room.

My two favorites are at bedtime. We sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow" every night before we put them to bed, and we also sing the "A-men" Lately the twins join in (on pitch!) and sing the amen with us...and then clap because they get all excited when we sing together!

When we do our bestime prayers, we've started asking them if there is anyone they want to pray for. Usually, we have no clue. They just sort of shyly jabber something. Sometimes we do understand "Nana," "Papa," "Daddy," sadly NEVER mama! They've started clapping we when say "amen" at the end of the prayer and I think it's because they had a part!

New words and phrases every day - this is the most fun phase! I love hearing the things they say!

First Day of December & First Snow!

I wasn't going to post again this quickly...but today was our first accumulating snow (we had some freak flakes early in November, but nothing that stuck). And then I thought I would show you some of the fun Christmas things we've been playing with.

Lucas and I got the twins a train set to go around the tree (it was $1 at a garage sale...). The train doesn't self-propel like it is supposed to (probably why it was only $1), but they love playing with it anyways! My parents got them a Little Tykes Nativity (so they hopefully wouldn't play with mine), which they also love. But what they love most is combining the two and giving the animals and people from the nativity rides in the train!

Keeps 'em busy for a while!
This morning I woke up cold. I kept walking around the house wondering why it was so cold. A while late, I finally opened some blinds and saw it was snowing! No wonder! I wanted to take the twins out because I knew they didn't remember snow from last year. I bundled them in their snowgear (many thanks to Kari for the hand-me-downs!). Yes, Ryan is wearing pink mittens. I couldn't find the blue...
Anxious to get outside!

Ryan was a little upset when he discovered none of the toys were outside anymore - even though he's been playing on them in the basement for days!

Allie immediately started running. She loved trying to run in the snowsuit.

Pretty soon Ryan was running too.

Then they both ran together!

(this is my favorite picture of the day)

Allie did have a bit of a meltdown when some snow got in her mitten...

Ryan coming back from his expedition to find a noisy bird. He didn't find the bird, but he was still happy :)

Allie saying hello to her trees :)

They had so much fun that later in the day they suddenly started bringing me boots - mine, then theirs - because they wanted to go out again! Unfortunately, it had gotten much darker and much colder by that point and they didn't get to go out, but I was glad to see that they like snow!

Wrapping Up a Month of Thankful Days

My first picture requires a bit of a story...when I was growing up, I remember that many of my dad's most delicious creations came about on evenings when we looked in the fridge and cabinets and wondered "what on earth can we possibly make out of this stuff?" I think that those adventurous (and, surprisingly, always delicious) meals sparked in me a love for the challenge of making a decent meal when the cabinets are bare. Lucas and I bought 2 weeks worth of groceries...sort of...I was hoping to clean out the fridge and cabinets a little, and I succeeded! Sure, when we returned home from Lala's, our fridge looked like this:

But, you can ask Lucas, we still ate some delicious - and somewhat creative - meals! Challenge accepted and conquered! No worries, moms. I went and bought groceries and now our cabinets and fridge are full (with products that have perfectly respectable expiration dates)!

I am thankful for:

Sunday:

Christmas decorations! I pulled out all of our decorations, expecting (as I have in past years) to have them all up before the end of the evening. Not even close, I barely have the majority right now! But there is something wonderful about pulling out the decorations - the smell, the memories, the reminder of what they symbolize. I especially enjoyed pulling out the number of nativities I have begun to collect. The God who created everything, the God who created the planets and sent the swirling into space, the God who could do anything, came down to earth as a baby. No pomp. No grand entrance. Born in a stable surrounded by animals. This season marks the beginning of the greatest love story that exists, and every decoration I put up reminds me of the ultimate thing for which I am thankful - God's love and salvation, given through His Son.

Monday:

Shatterproof tree decorations: Confession - my tree is a hand-me-down, and all the ornaments are also hand-me-downs or I bought them at a garage sale (new!) for $2. The true beauty of this decoration is not the bargain, it is that everything on that tree is durable enough to withstand toddlers. Each morning since the tree has stood it is stripped of decorations as far up as they can reach, and they spend the better part of the day:

collecting them in the container,

Gathering them in their arms (and occasionally tasting them),
and dumping them out and all over,

They LOVE the tree.

I'm just thankful that someone was smart enough to make decorations that could withstand this kind of handling!

Patient twins: Who not only endured an especially long grocery shopping trip (due to the empty fridge and pantry), but 2 more stores in addition to our normal 2 for some Christmas shopping. It was a l-o-n-g morning, but they were troopers!

Cyber Monday: I finished almost all of my Christmas shopping and some AMAZING deals! Granted, after 2+ hours on hold with Khols when their website wouldn't work (I'm guessing the volume crashed it), and 2 e-mails, I'm still waiting to hear if I can order my items and get the discounts I would have had if their website hadn't crashed. But otherwise my cyber Monday shopping was highly successful!

Girl's Night Out: Sure, our "night out" was only me keeping her company while she grocery shopped, but it was fun nonetheless!

Tuesday:

Lunch with Daddy: The cloudy skies of Michigan's winter have settled in, and we were going a bit stir-crazy. We headed over to the church for a change of pace. It was great, and I think we're going to have to make it at least a weekly occurrence!

A habit of thankfulness: This month has been a great practice in thankfulness, and hopefully it will carry into the next year (all year will be great!).

All of you! I honestly think it is a true sign of love when you faithfully read our daily adventures. Often our daily events and adventures aren't terribly exciting, or even well-written, but you read about our lives regardless. Even if no one ever read my posts, I would keep writing to have my own personal "scrapbook" of the highs and lows of our daily lives with the kiddos, but it is nice to know that there are other people who actually care :)

I hope you're 30 days were as full of things about which to be thankful as mine!