One Thing

Our adoption is especially on our minds lately.  Partly because we just had our big annual sale. Partly because a big contribution to the craziness I mentioned in the previous post is that it is time to update our home study (which is significantly less involved than the last time, but still requires chasing down a lot of paperwork and a meeting with our social worker in Detroit).  Mostly because, if you remember, we are just passed a significant milestone: 12 months on the waiting list.  

When we went on the list our estimated wait time to be matched was 12 months.  We spent a lot of time dreaming about what this summer would be like, what it would feel like to finally see our children's faces and know their names, how exciting it would be to immerse ourselves in the preparations to travel to meet them and bring them home, and how it would feel to finally have our family be complete.

Of course, I mentioned in the fall that Uganda was experiencing a slow down, and that our time frame was getting longer, but things were still moving...so we didn't anticipate the stand-still that followed.  While our number has changed, it has been because of people going on hold or leaving the program rather than forever families being brought together.  For 8 months, our monthly update e-mail has told us in big, bold letters:

"In the past month we have not matched a family with a child."

I would be lying if I made it sound like it was all good, or the wait is easy, or we are waiting patiently.  Honestly, every month when we scroll down and read that line (we scroll down to check that first, before reading the rest of the e-mail) it feels like being punched in the stomach - for a moment I can't breath, and it hurts, and I feel sick.  And, even though I think every month that I am mentally prepared for no change, each month I realize how much hope I had when I recognize that it hurts more and lasts longer.  Most of the time, we try not to even think about it.  We are not close.  Things are not moving.  That is the reality.  So we will go on with life, and get excited when that reality changes.  But that always ends badly.  Multiple times we have looked at each other recently and said, "I'm done with this."  Not with adopting, but with this feeling of being stuck in limbo.  This constant distraction.  This horrible feeling of being neither here nor there.  This waiting that we suddenly cannot pretend for a minute longer is okay.  We break down and get angry, or sad, or both.   

June was especially difficult.  June, which once was the time we couldn't wait to reach because it would be so full of excitement and answers, was more like reaching an oasis in the desert to discover that it was a mirage and there is only endless sand.  Allie asks me at least weekly when her brothers or sisters will finally be here, and I tell her I don't know only to hear her sigh deeply and say, "This is taking too long," and I struggle to hold back tears as I tell her, "I know." The night before the home study update, I discovered that Ryan was so excited because he thought we would be bringing his new brothers or sisters home with us the next day.  I explained that it was only part of the process, and it would be a while before we would bring them home.  The next morning he hugged me close and whispered, "Mommy, I dreamed all night about my new brothers and sisters."  I cried as I whispered back, "Me too."  Feeling like I couldn't keep feeling this way much longer, I kept praying, "God, we need a win.  We just need one positive thing  that we can hold onto.  One thing that can boost our spirits.  One thing that can get us through this difficult season in the midst of the wait.  Please.

Just one thing."

I thought the yard sale would be that one thing.  In past years we have been blessed beyond belief by the people who stopped by, the money we raised, and the opportunity to bless others as we have been blessed.  But this sale wasn't.  In fact, it felt like another punch in an endless series that only made us feel more beaten down.  I thought my regular conversation with our social worker would be that one thing.  After a conversation with someone from our team at Lifeline I always feel uplifted, encouraged, and ready to take on the challenges of waiting.  But, perhaps because I was already so beaten down, it didn't help.  As close to hopeless as I have ever been, I threw myself into our busy summer thinking that the business would at least claim my focus enough to keep me from hoping.  Because clinging to the hope of a win was starting to hurt too much.  I let go of my prayer for just one thing.

Just getting ready to settle in for a week of much needed rest, relaxation, and time with family, I found a message in my inbox.  It was from a sweet friend from college who has been a great support by organizing fundraisers for our adoption in the past.  It seems that she and our Indy Cousin (who has been a huge support as well as partnering with my college friend for a fundraiser) have cooked up another fundraiser for our adoption.  A BIG one*.  And they just wanted to let us know.  It was so out of the blue, and so sweet, and we felt so blessed.
* If you would like to know more about the fundraiser, please, let me know by either sending me an e-mail or leaving a comment on this post.

It was the ONE THING we needed to encourage us to keep going.

But it didn't stop there.  Figuring that, due to the holiday, our agency wouldn't send our monthly update e-mail until next week, I didn't bother to check my e-mail.  Yesterday, Lucas came up to me and I could literally feel his excitement.  "They just sent the update e-mail," He said "What was our number last time?"  I responded that it was 19 (which it has been since December).  He smiled and informed me that our number has changed! It turns out the e-mail still contained those big, bold letters.  They haven't matched any families with any children.  Our movement, once again, was due to people going on hold or moving to a different program.  But in the e-mail they let us know that they are close to matching one family and are confident of another referral (i.e. match) following closely behind!  Just as it had in the 7 months previous, the update e-mail took my breath away, but this time in the best way possible.

What is our new number?

Thank you to our family and friends who have walked beside us through the funk, who have repeated to us God's promises that we cling to so desperately when we feel like nothing is happening, who have silently listened when we just needed to vent, who have held our hands (literally and figuratively) and let us know that we are not alone as we wait, who have offered encouraging words, resources, and connections, who have asked questions and listened carefully to understand more about this process that is both difficult and amazing.  And a huge thank you to everyone (especially Marcy and Lauren) who have been a party of the many little things along the way that have been the ONE thing we needed at just the right moment to keep us going.  Our family, present and future, is so blessed to be surrounded by so much love.

Updates

 I'm totally going to kill 2 birds with 1 stone.  Not only am I finally answering the requests for a new post, but I'm showing a couple pictures from our photo shoot last week AND giving an adoption update!  I guess that is actually 3 birds...

We were trying to get a family picture that I could use to make some Thank You's to send to all of the people who have supported us during the process thus far.  I was hoping to get a family picture with us holding our current number on the list.  Sadly, in every picture someone had their eyes closed, or was making a funny face, or something that made it not work.  But...I found a few gems...if I cropped our the rest of the picture...

Allie - the only one paying attention when this picture was taken!

As you can see, we are currently #23 on the list.  What does this mean?  This means that there are currently 22 other families waiting for children from Uganda who were placed on the list before us.  Does this mean we will be family #23 to be matched with a child?  Not necessarily. The list is somewhat fluid based on the children that are available to be placed and the needs/requests of the families waiting.  For example, we want 2 children that are younger than the twins.  If a set of 2 year old twins became available tomorrow and no one on the list before us wanted 2 children, we would jump to #1!  However, if we wait until we get to the front of the list and then for several months the only children they have available are 5 and over, we wait while families behind us are matched.  Sure...this might make it seem like the number is meaningless - and perhaps it is.  But, in a long period of time filled with waiting, it gives us something tangible to hold onto.  The first week of every month we get an update (yes, this means that this number will, hopefully, be different in 2 weeks...thus the picture below with a blank chalk board in which I can photoshop the latest number!).  I look forward to this week each month like I used to look forward to ultrasounds with the twins. I get to see how things are moving along.  I get to hear the latest updates in the program.  I get a peek at the progress that is slowly, but surely, happening.

In case you were wondering exactly how things have been moving, when we first went on the list we were number 29.  We have moved 6 places in the last 4 months.  If things continue at this place, and we are matched in order, it will take 16 more months for us to be at the front of the list.  Slightly longer than the original estimation.  Of course, it could always be less, but in light of a consistent slowdown I feel it is more wise to be prepared for the longest time frame.  Some days this is difficult - the desire to have all my children safely in one place (like a mama hen with her chicks all tucked under her wing), to know the age, sex, and names of my future children, to see an endpoint to all the waiting is so strong I want to cry.  Most days I am able to rest in God's plan - remembering all the times I wanted a different time frame but saw His wisdom in the end, resting in the peace of His perfect plan, looking for Him at work around me when I am helpless to act myself.

In the meantime, we are enjoying life day-by-day.  It has been an exciting fall at the church - filled with new attendees, new members, baptisms, and - most exciting of all - a long prayed for heart given to God!  It has been a fun fall with the twins - filled with adventures and learning and the funniest conversations you have ever heard.  We are gearing up for the holidays (Yes, we have the twins' Halloween costumes picked out.  No, I have not finished making them!).  We have even been planning ahead for Thanksgiving and Christmas - in hopes that thinking ahead about the busy season will make it more enjoyable and less hectic.  Let's face it, once Halloween hits, the next 3 months fly by so quickly you find yourself in a new year wondering when fall ended!  So we are doing our best to enjoy each day while knowing it will be January and our number will be somewhere in the teens before we know it!

The Yard Sale

In another long absence (sorry Grandparents), I debated whether or not to go into much detail about the yard sale - especially since I didn't get any pictures.  But through every step of the adoption process, God has done amazing things to provide for and confirm His calling for our family.  I think it is important to share those things - no matter how small.  So, I decided to share.

In the fall I participated in a local mom-to-mom sale.  As I was setting the prices for the sale (most items were donated), I knew I wanted to set them pretty low.  I could put myself in the place of those moms - looking for great deals on nice things for their children.  Since almost everything I was selling had been donated for the cause (technically making everything a profit) - and since we have been so blessed by the generosity of family, friends, and even neighbors we had never met - I wanted to bless these mothers in return.  As I prepared for this sale, I realized that I had the opportunity to give everyone that same feeling.  Lucas loves garage sale-ing, and it is so much fun when he comes home excited because of a great deal he found, or a great barter.  Ultimately, I feel confident that God will provide, and in the meantime I just wanted to make everyone who came to my sale feel uplifted, encouraged, and excited by the time that they left.

Now, this doesn't mean I dropped all the prices to rock bottom.  I do my homework, I know what the items are worth, and the money is going to (I think) a wonderful cause.  My prices were competitive, but I resolved to be open to offers and to try to make every encounter positive.

We started the 2-day sale with fewer big ticket items than last year (less furniture, etc.).  There was a steady stream of people, but all of the purchases seemed to be small amounts.  And I was accepting pretty much any offer (in fact, the only offer I didn't accept was $5 for a crib - which was definitely worth more!).  I was convinced we wouldn't make near as much as last year.  Quite often I would think, "I shouldn't have accepted that lower price.  I know someone would have paid full amount."  But then I would think about how excited they were when they left and I would remind myself, "As we are blessed we bless others in return."  It was practically my mantra.  

When the lady was demanding a lower price because of a microscopic crack (that was not a damaging - just the usual veining that you find in older pieces) in a platter that she was going to use as a dog dish, I whispered in my head, "Be a blessing." When the woman wanted just 1 of a set of plates because she prefers mismatched and refuses to collect sets, I reminded myself , "Be a blessing."  When a man (who I think was stocking clothing for his second hand store) asked if he could have jeans at half price if he bought a lot, and I wanted to say, "Of course not.  I want you to buy a lot AND pay full price," I focused on my real goal, "Be a blessing."  Then there were people who made it easy - like the young couple picking up items for their baby girl that was due any day (I actually gave them a few things because they bought so much), or the woman who was buying baby items because she and her husband were just approved to be foster parents and were hoping for a call to place a baby in their home any day (I gave a few things to her too).  And people left with smiles on their faces, and people told me my sale was the best they had been to, and 1 woman told me that I was the only nice person she had seen all day.  Overall, I felt like I HAD really been the blessing that I sent out to be.  But I was pretty sure I didn't make any money. 

And then I started counting the money.  I'm pretty confident my exact words were a very loud, "Holy cow!  No way!"  And then I counted again.  And then I counted again.  Every time it was the same.  Last year we made about $325 at the actual sale (including donations), and brought in another $90 from craigslist sales the week after ($415 for those similarly math challenged as I).  This year, the sale alone brought in a whopping $493.  We received a total of $75 in addition in donations ($568 total).  I was blown away.

Now, one way to look at it is to think about how much money I COULD have made had I not accepted any offers.  But I prefer to be amazed by God's faithfulness.  I trusted Him to provide and committed myself to blessing others the way many have blessed us - and He provided beyond my expectations.  I frequently find myself confident that God's hands are tied.  That He has nothing to work with (such as the lack of big ticket items at the sale).  That, at best, He might meet my expectations, but I understand if He fails.  And then He surpasses my expectations and reminds me that the Creator of All needs nothing to provide for all my needs.

And, quite frankly, I need to be reminded of that myself today.  We received an e-mail from our social worker letting us know to expect a slow-down in Ugandan adoptions.  Without going into many details, the country is making some changes that I truly believe are in the best interest of the children and the people of Uganda.  I am so thankful that our agency is being pro-active and doing everything in their power to encourage and aid these changes.  I am honored to be part of the adoption community that is aware of and praying for the important decisions that have and are being made around the world for the children in their care.  At the same time, I long to be done - to have our whole family in the same place, on the same continent, just being a family together.  I sometimes feel like I'm walking around with a part of me missing - out there, somewhere far away, in a place completely unknown to me - and in the already ambiguous time frame of waiting, the thought of adding more time breaks my heart.  

So I sit here and remind myself that I may not know the time, but God knows.  I may not know the children, but God knows.  I may not know where they are, but God knows.  And He is holding us all in His hands and working to bring us together.  While now it feels impossible (or impossibly long), and I feel like His hands are surely tied, I rely on reminding myself of all the times He has provided - in His perfect timing - so incredibly beyond what I could have ever imagined.  

And so I wait.  Living the life He gave me.  Trusting in His timing.  Trying to be a blessing to everyone I meet.

Speaking of life...I couldn't leave the grandparents without any pictures :)  The other day the twins spent the whole morning finding everything in our house that had wheels and lining them up in the living room (sometimes they said it was for a meeting...sometimes for a race...).  These are the moments - when they play together perfectly for a long period of time doing something so simple that completely delights them - that warm my heart the most.

Praying. WAITING. Hoping.

Does the title sound familiar?

Almost exactly a year ago I shared this post.  It was the first time we put our hearts out for everyone to see.  It was the first time we publicly put forth our hope to adopt.  It was a request for friends and family to join us in the journey of adoption.

A year later we have an exciting announcement.

We are on the waiting list.

We were told that, from application to approval, the process with CIS took 3-4 months.  Less than 2 months from sending in our application our approval came in the mail!  With that over, the next step is to go on the list to be matched.

The irony?  The estimate match time is 12 months.  It could be more.  It could be less (I so hope it is less!!).  But, how cool is it that almost exactly a year after the first post, I am letting you all know that we have reached one of the biggest steps - and that it is likely that almost exactly a year from now I could be posting an even bigger announcement?!  Because at the end of this step, we will know our children.  We will have names, and a little information, and pictures.  I can't wait to have pictures.  I can't wait to see the faces of the children I dream about holding in my arms.  I can't wait to have something tangible for Allie and Ryan to look at and say, "this is my new brother(s)/sister(s).

12 months.  While it seemed like an eternity at times, looking back it doesn't feel like it has been that long.  Surely, the next 12 months will feel similarly speedy in hindsight.

So we joyfully, enthusiastically, hopefully, and prayerfully WAIT.

In the meantime, I'm soaking up life.  I don't like to feel like I'm missing the wonderful moments now because I'm so focused on someday, and the distraction of life is a wonderful way to avoid watching the calendar and obsessively counting the days.

So here is a piece of life from our last week:

 I had been wanting to create "spend, save, give" banks for the twins.  Something to help them teach a little about money.  They "give money to Jesus" every week in the church offering, but it is the money mommy and daddy give them.  I wanted them to be more empowered in their giving...and spending.  But I didn't have banks, and buying banks was expensive, and I couldn't quite figure out how to go about this project.

 When we were in Nebraska, my Grandma took me out to her garage and packed a shoebox of decorate-your-own banks.  Exactly 3 each.  Spend. Save. Give.

 So the kids got to painting (they are thrilled with their creations).  Then, once they were dry, we emptied their big piggy banks and let them split the coins however they wanted (the banks don't hold bills well, so we set the big bills aside to start savings accounts for the twins, and put the small bills back in their big banks to be saved for later).  They picked the pigs for spend, the turtles for save, and the teddy bears for give.  And somehow that makes perfect sense to me...

Thank you, Grandma, for helping me accomplish this project!

p.s. another bit of "life" we have coming up is this year's Yard Sale!  It is exciting, in this time of waiting, to be able to do some productive fundraising to bring our Uganda children home.  We have a LOT to sell, but we never turn down donations - especially if it is the offer to borrow tables for the sale because I have no clue where we are going to put everything!

Adoption Update

I suppose it is good time for an update on the adoption front.

The great news is that we completed our home study! Yay! It took us so much longer than I anticipated. When we had our first orientation call she said that it takes families 3-6 months to complete the home study. I thought, "Oh, well, we will do it in 2.5 then." Wrong. It took us almost 6 months exactly! But it is finished, and approved, and sent in!

The next step is to submit our application to USCIS. We have everything set. We are just waiting to hear back from our social worker that our form looks correct (to save us time rather than sending in an incorrect form and having them contact us to tell us to refile, etc.), and then we are done! We are hoping to send that in the next day or so. And then we wait. Not forever. At some point before CIS gives us the approval to move forward we get to go and have official fingerprints taken. And I assume we will finish getting together the items for our Dossier so that will be all set once the approval comes. But after the frenzy of appointments, seminars, and paperwork of the home study, I already feel like I'm twiddling my thumbs...

What better to do during this time then work on fundraising! Every time, during the home study, that I would find the process taking longer than I expected (or a week would be lost due to sick kids that required my attention and energy), I would find myself thinking, "It's ok. This is just more time we have to save money." Because, as I've mentioned, it costs a lot. And I sometimes begin to get overwhelmed with the cost. I find myself wondering where the money will come from and worrying about how it will all come together. But then a gentle voice inside my head reminds me that if God calls, He will provide. He has provided so much already. I know He won't just leave us hanging at the very end. It's just hard to remember that when I'm staring at numbers on a sheet of paper...and hoping if I stare long enough they might change to $0 :)

One of the ways God has provided is through many generous people. Through the donations for our yard sales last summer (We will be having more sales this summer...at least 2...partly because we had so many donations I have 2 closets stacked full of bins!). Through gifts - even as little as $5. Through donated airline miles. Every bit has been a blessing. One person that God has recently provided is my friend Marcy. I've known her since college (we lived in the same dorm freshman year). She is a 31 consultant, and when she saw on facebook that we were adopting, she immediately messaged me and said she wanted to do a fundraiser for us. In the midst of home study madness, I asked that she wait until we were finished so I could focus better and suggested April. April 1st she contacted me to get things set up! Now, if you don't know how a 31 fundraiser works, it goes like this: the 31 consultant donates their commission to the cause. This wonderful friend is going to all this work to put this together and travel to my house (she lives in northern Ohio) just to donate whatever profit she would receive to help us adopt. I really feel blessed to know such wonderful people.

Of course, for her to have anything to donate, people have to actually buy 31 products, and here is where the plug comes in (I know, I hear the groan. I feel badly that it always seems like I'm plugging a fundraiser. So if you will feel pressured to buy in any way, just stop reading! Then you won't have the info and you don't have to feel pressured!). This Saturday (the 21st) we are having an Open House at my house from 5-9. If you are around (which, lets face it, if you are one of the friends or family members who read the blog, you do so because you live far away!) stop by! If you can't make it or live far away (which is more likely), you can shop online and have it go to the cause. Just click THIS LINK and it will take you Marcy's 31 website. Then go to "My Events" (its the second thing listed under her profile picture and contact info). You will see several events, one being "Miller Adoption Fundraiser Open House." Click on the "Shop Now" button and your order will be included! The fundraiser closes April 23rd...so there is a little less than a week to get the order in. And, if you aren't big on 31 products, or don't have the money to spend right now (which I understand), but have a friend or two who love 31 products, maybe direct them to Marcy's website and our event?

And in case you are wondering, the big milestone in our adoption adventure will be receiving our approval from USCIS to most forward! I will definitely keep you posted and let you know when that exciting event happens :)

Clearing My Brain and Catching Up

Sorry for the absence. Even more sorry for the lack of pictures. I have a million pictures from the last few weeks...on my new phone...I have not yet figured out the best way to get said pictures off of the new phone...so you are stuck with these from our recent Valentine's photo shoot (I decided not to do Christmas cards, but to send out photos randomly through the year. If you didn't get a Valentine, don't despair. A random photo card will appear in your mailbox eventually!)

At first I couldn't even get anything that would remotely work...

We've had a crazy busy couple of weeks, starting with the move of our dear friends (the first friends we had here. Sob.). I'm still in denial they're gone. They only live about 30 minutes away and so far I've seen them just as much as when they were here, but I'm still sad.

Then we had our home visit with our social worker as part of our home study. As I'm sure you all can imagine, inviting a social worker to come to your home for the specific purpose of evaluating it and you to see if you pass as being a fit home for more children is incredibly stressful. And even if everyone tells you that you will be fine, you can't help but wonder if their job is finding things wrong, can't they find things wrong anywhere?

I told them to just "look normal..."

After looking in every single room of my house (even storage, even the furnace room, even the garage!), and going over all of our finances (we're talking every penny here), and asking a few more questions, she told us she was very pleased to recommend us for adoption and be part of our process! Yay! Now that it is over, I have to say that I really like our social worker and I almost feel more confident in my parenting now that I have a social worker backing me up with her support!

Some of our favorite moments from the home study:

- Ryan yelling from the bathroom "Miss Peggy, I pooped! Come and see!" And when she, of course, didn't come in, he ran out, jumped around her, and yelled, "I pooped, Miss Peggy! I pooped on the potty!"

- Allie correcting the social worker when she said, "Oh, my gosh." Allie says, "Oh, no! We say 'Oh my goodness.' If you say 'Oh my gosh,' again you will have to go in time out." We have never threatened time out for saying anything other than "Oh my goodness," but Allie apparently felt the need for consequences...

- In a conversation about the colors on his plate, Ryan held up his pea and said, "Green is poopy." Then Ryan and Allie both started proclaiming over and over and over "Go big green is poopy!" See...during the football season, the day that Nebraska beat Michigan State, I taught the twins to say "Go big green is poopy," so that we could call Uncle Logan (my football nemesis), and tell him. The call was never made, the phrase stuck, and I worried about what awkward moment it would come out. I hadn't thought about it coming out during the home study. It was awkward.

Kissy faces. Allie is too eager...Ryan is not eager at all...

At this point, the only thing left in our homestudy is the education portion. There is a lot. 2 books (1 is almost 500 pages), a 10 hour online class, an online seminar, several websites, some worksheets, and some exercises. All while gathering together the last of our paperwork. This is why you haven't heard from us in a while. Every spare moment goes to educating myself about adoption. It is a bit overwhelming. I swing between feeling like I am in way over my head, to feeling so honored that I get to be a part of this amazing thing, to being so incredibly sad about the time I am missing with my children and the things that could be happening to them during that time. It is intense. Thankfully, my personality and parenting style naturally fits with a lot of what is needed in adoption parenting, but it really is a whole different ballgame than parenting bio children (which I hadn't thought much about before). And the balance of both is something I'm glad I have time to consider and "plan" ahead of time. If anyone is interested in reading any of the info to have a better idea of the struggles our children (even if they are perfectly healthy children) will face, and what our lives will look like post-adoption, let me know!

From kissy faces to kisses. Getting better...

And then we swung into Valentines, with a big party for our moms' group at our house, and a fun day for the twins. I'm exhausted. But after tonight we have a few days to rest and regroup (i.e. read like crazy to try to finish our homestudy quickly before anything else requires our brain power). Oh, and Ryan and Allie are crazy cute right now. Doing so many hilarious things. But that will have to be another post...because I'm officially falling asleep and I still have to put the kids to bed!

Perfection! All it took was 200 pictures, bribery with suckers, and Daddy holding the computer over my head with a favorite muppets short playing on youtube!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!

Surprised by Rain

You might read the title and think this is a post about the terrible weather we've had lately. It is true that our weather has been crummy the last few days, but that isn't what this is about. This story is about God's overwhelming and uniquely refreshing faithfulness.

We've shared bits and pieces of the story along the way - of loss and hope, of a call and our response, and even a fundraising update. But to be honest, the theme of the last 10ish months has been "How on Earth Will this Ever Happen?"

Because adoption is expensive. We're talking a little over 3/5 of Lucas' annual salary expensive. And we are not people who have that kind of money lying around. We only had a rough idea of what the expenses were when we first started praying about adopting (in all honesty, I kind of assumed we would end up adopting domestically because it would be more realistic financially). I remember praying, "God, if you really want us to adopt, please let us have $7,000-8,000 by the end of our 6 months." That amount in that short of time seemed pretty enormous to me, and would truly confirm both our calling to adopt and God's providence. 3 1/2 months later we had $8,500 in our account. Wow. We were over the moon. This was it! The same week we hit that mark, we discovered an agency with a program with the country that had been on our heart all along. We were ready to fill out our application that day! God had answered all our prayers! But, we had committed to 6 months of prayer and preparation. "We should stick to that," I insisted "We don't want to miss God doing something amazing because we rushed a timeline we set." 2 weeks later, we sat down and looked at the specific costs of the specific program with our specific interests in mind (we'd really like to adopt 2 children). The actual cost was so much more than we thought that a part of us truly despaired actually ever having the money to make it a reality.

For me, it was almost a crisis of faith. My head said, "The amount of money may have changed, but God didn't. He can give $80,000 as easily as he can give $8,000. No amount is too big for Him." But I found my heart almost whispering, "It's ok, God. This is big, and I know there really isn't a feasible way to bring this amount of money in. It's ok if you can't do this. We will be patient until it can happen. I understand. It's just too big." I felt ashamed that I felt this way, but, as I told one person, "Money would basically have to rain from heaven for us to even have the portion of the cost we would like to have before we apply." And the reality was that I truly didn't believe it could happen.

And then I felt a sprinkle.

It started slowly. We put out a request for donations for a yard sale, and not only was there an overwhelming response, the sale also brought in way more than we ever expected! And then money started coming from really unexpected places - a check from the hospital that double-billed us, gifts from unexpected places, accounting errors. It was incredible. At one point, Lucas said to me, "It feels like money is raining down from heaven." He never knew I said that to someone else, and when my words came back to me I started to cry. In my heart, I knew that it really was.

And then Lucas remembered his airline rewards that he has been collecting for years. After many calls to Delta to go over and over how it all works, how many reward points we need, ways to get extra points, an incredible offer where Delta matched all points gifted, and generous friends who gifted significant amounts without hesitation, we feel confident we have enough points to cover our tickets round trip, and tickets for our children to come home! That is about 1/3 of the budget! And, the amount it covers added to the amount we have in the adoption savings account equaled almost exactly the amount we had as our goal for application.

I am overwhelmed by the faithfulness of God despite my complete lack of faith. I lost sight of how big God is, and believed that the cost of what He was calling us to do was too much for Him to provide. I sing this song to the kids almost daily, but these past few months have been a very tangible reminder of how great our God really is!

So we sent in our application. In fact, we have signed all the consents and contracts, sent in our first agency fee, and have our program orientation next week! At one point we couldn't imagine being in this place for at least a year, probably 2. It feels a little surreal to be here now.

There is still a lot ahead. We have been told that from application to bringing your child(ren) home it takes about 18-24 months. Potentially more. I keep trying to imagine what life will look like in this time in-between - home studies with a social worker, getting all of our documents together to send overseas, the business of preparing and then the unbearable still of waiting to be matched, our trip there, and our incredible trip home. The one thing I know I can count on? More fundraising. Seriously, we still have a significant chunk to pull together in the next 18-24 months! But the one thing I really know I can count on? God, who will provide according to our needs and His purposes in His perfect timing.

The Yard Sale

Earlier this month we shared that we are hoping to adopt, and put the request out for family & friends to donate and unused and unwanted items for a yard sale we were having to raise money to put toward this hope. We ended up realizing that we needed 2 yard sales (mostly because the notice was too short for some to be able to get items they wanted to donate to us, partly because we knew we would have things left over!). But here is the recap of the first, which we had during the community yard sale this past weekend.

I thought about selling yummy treats & drinks to earn a little extra, but ended up deciding that I wanted to give something to those who were blessing us with their purchase.

I also had a box of free items for people to take. I always like when they have those at sales. I also really like when the free box doesn't have any stipulations (like you can only take something if you buy something), and when it actually has some good things in it. So it not only held all of the things I didn't feel like I could charge a quarter for (I didn't want to deal with small change so nothing was priced less than $.25), but also a few things that were mine and I knew I could have charged for, but thought would be nice to include. To me, the free box is a picture of grace - freely given, with no payment necessary, and worth treasuring :)

Originally, to keep it low maintenance considering our time crunch (we had 2 days to get everything together after we returned home), I was going to do a "make an offer" sale. I ended up doing some research and realized those tend to be a little iffy as far as making money. So I decided to just have tables sorted by price "Everything for $1" and so on. But once I returned I did a little more research and discovered that not only do people tend to hate that, but it is often hard for you to remember what came from which table! So, at the last minute, I did what was recommended and put a price on everything! The nice thing was that it allowed me to sort by category (which is highly recommended). I ended up liking the layout much more than I think I would have. I was also grateful for all the little yellow stickers when I was overwhelmed with people ready to purchase and I needed to add things up quickly!

Even though the community yard sale was technically Saturday, traditionally there have been a lot open on Friday. So that's what we did. Unfortunately, for some reason (perhaps the rain?) there were only a handful open. The weather kept many of the buyers away, and the few hardcore people who came were generally in bad moods. Somehow, we still made over $100 that day! Saturday was MUCH better. The combination of sunshine and the MANY sales around the lake put everyone in a better mood. We were inundated with people from the second my garage door went up until around lunch time. The afternoon slowed down, and when I started having more and more people just want the free items, I decided to close up. But even then people were in great moods, and I loved the opportunity to meet neighbors and chat with the people coming through.

The most commented on setup at my sale. Almost a dozen women told me they were going to go home and do this with their jewelry! I'm convinced I sold so

much of the jewelry because of the display! And I was just looking for something inexpensive (free) and pretty!

The 2 days were full of surprises - the lady who told me she hates children (yet still bought a considerable amount to put toward the cause), the adorable old man who told his wife she needed to hurry because he still needed to catch a turtle for dinner, the 3 people who donated more than their purchase toward the cause (and yes, I cried each time), the man who only wanted my free box & free water, the wonderful woman who is a true "yard-saler" yet spent almost 45 minutes shopping and talking. I discovered that most people don't read signs (which I printed up special to communicate the cause) - and those who did had no clue where Uganda actually was, that people come to sales to haggle - and I had to be prepared to hold my ground, that I have truly no clue about what sells at a garage sale (some of the things I thought would go first I still have and some of the items I never thought would sell went the first morning!) and that people's generosity was far beyond my imagination.

Overall, it was a somewhat overwhelming experience. The donations that literally flooded in were an incredible help. We sold very little of our own things, and would never made near as much ($401 total - far more than I ever hoped for or even imagined!) if it hadn't been for the generosity of our friends and family. At this point, I have to mention my friend Catherine (who is not pictured because I promised I wouldn't). She is the one who first offered to donate items for the yard sale to help. When I texted her in distress because we found out that some money we were counting on was significantly less than we had originally been told, she started soliciting her family for additional items (and her amazing family responded in an overwhelming way). It was because of her encouraging that we even thought of asking other friends and family for donations. She helped sort & setup, and she kept me company during the sale. She was the driving force behind it all, this outcome wouldn't have happened without her, and I'm so grateful for her. I am also so grateful for everyone who responded with donations (and for those who have promised donations for the next sale). Words can never communicate my gratitude.

My favorite customers :)

With the twins, friends, family, and even strangers prayed when we were going through fertility treatments, during our pregnancy, and throughout our time in the hospital. I experienced the amazing blessing of being surrounded by love and prayers while waiting for my children, and of them being genuinely wanted & hoped for by more than just Lucas and me. It was an awesome experience and one I've always felt so blessed to have had. I often look forward to telling my children how many people prayed for them, hoped for them, and invested in them and their lives. This experience has been similar, but in an even more powerful way. Having people pour out their love for us and our future family in such a visible way was incredible. The response from people at the sale and people who have just offered donations (even just $5) truly touched my heart. I truly cannot wait to tell my someday child how many people helped bring their adoption about.

And in case you were wondering, our next sale will be August 27th. We are definitely still accepting donations, but please remember that we don't want your most prized treasures because you feel obligated to help. Every single one of the smallest items added up to contribute toward the cause! And thank you again to all those who have donated and will donate to the cause. Words can never fully communicate our gratitude.

Praying. Waiting. Hoping.

While I technically share a LOT on this blog (does everyone really need to know all the details of a road trip?), I rarely share much that is truly personal. In December I wrote this post, sharing more of myself than usual. Sharing my heartbreak and hope. This is the rest of the story:

It starts roughly 4 years ago when we were first going through fertility treatments. I remember praying (often), "God, just give me one baby. Just let me experience being pregnant once. Just let me know what that feels like. And I promise I will adopt all the orphans you want." God gave me 2 beautiful children and I thought, "That was generous. I promise to be generous in return." But we had those 3 remaining embryos, and when the time came for us to try I found myself going back on my promise. "God, I lied. Please, just give me one more. I love these 2 that you gave me so much. I loved being pregnant so much. Just let 1 of these embryos work and I promise that I will adopt all of the orphans you want." You know how that went. It just wasn't part of God's plan.

And I was sad. But I knew what I had promised, and I knew that I needed to pray more about adoption. I was very open. I would love another baby. But did I NEED another? I have 2 amazing children with whom I am very happy. The IVF was so hard. Could I really go through more emotional and financial stress? Lucas had recommended the most recent copy of Christianity Today. "It's all about adoption," he told me. And so I picked it up, and read this article. My heart broke. There are children out there who are so lacking of loving touch that they no longer cry? I am a mother who LOVES being a mother. I am a mother who knows that I had so much love to offer. I am a mother who cherishes the moments I can respond to my children's cries with love and reassurance. There are children out there who need this love, and I am a mother who loves to give it. How could I not respond? That was a life-changing moment.

Lucas and I committed to 6 months of praying...and saving (because adoption is expensive! Holy cow!)...to test, and see, and make sure before we jumped into something so huge. In this 6 months we went from $0 and no idea where any money would come from to opening a special savings account (with almost the exact amount I had in my head that would be "ideal" to have in this time); from having no idea what agency or from where to not only finding an agency we really like, but that has a program with the country that was truly on our heart - Uganda. At the beginning of 6 months, I had no clue what the end would look like, or even if we would decide to keep going. But at the end we have specific direction, a solid beginning, and confidence in our calling.

And so now we continue to pray. And wait. And SAVE. The expense of adoption is quite large, and while we have a good start, we have a long way to go (we are about 1/4 of the way to the FULL cost). One of the things we are doing to bring in a little money to put toward our adoption is a yard sale. And this is where my story becomes a bit of a plug. A dear friend recently dropped off some items her mom donated to our cause. Things she didn't want, but didn't want to go through the hassle to sell. And we thought, "Hey, maybe there are more of our family and friends who have similar items." We don't want people to go out of their way to scavenge for things, or feel obligated to part with something they actually sort of want to keep just because they feel like they should help. But if you have some items around your house that you no longer want, but haven't gotten around to throwing them out (or don't quite have enough to do a yard sale yourself), we are asking that you consider donating them to our sale. If you have ANYTHING that you would be willing to donate, please, call or e-mail, or facebook, or leave a comment and we can work out pickup, etc. There is no item too small. And. Thank you.

I was trying to create a "logo" (for lack of a better word). A visual that would sort of express our feelings and purpose and tie together the random, mundane ideas I have to glean money for the adoption (like a yard sale) and easily communicate their purpose. I came across the poem below (the inspiration for the words you see in the completed "logo" above), and it seemed to express what I've been feeling lately. This waiting is a new type of waiting. With the twins, the moment I knew about them, they were a part of me. They have always been WITH me. Now I'm very aware that somewhere out there, there might already be a baby that is mine. And I'm just here, so far away, doing whatever I can to get there and finally hold them for real.

KISSES IN THE WIND (The Waiting Child's Lullaby)

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.

You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are...what's taking us so long.

But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...

Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.

I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.

But tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.

And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.

--Pamela Durkota, written for Josh